Do You Have Prodigal Sibling Syndrome?
In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, the older brother is as lost as the younger brother. He doesn’t leave home and squander his inheritance. Instead, he stays at home and builds up resentments against his father, ultimately squandering that relationship. His father says “I am always with you and everything I have is yours,” but the older son says, “I work like a slave for you and you’ve never given me anything.”
The older son has developed what I call prodigal sibling syndrome, an ailment that is more common than you might think. This condition is one where little by little we begin to be disappointed with God, angry with God, where often unacknowledged resentments build-up to the point that our relationship with God suffers.
It’s easy to be a newborn Christian when everything is fresh and you are overcome with the wonder of such an amazing God. But in the long run, life can be hard, loved ones die, relationships get broken, churches fail, the world is a mess, and life doesn’t work out the way we had hoped. As we experience these painful things, consciously or more often unconsciously we ask these questions, “Where was God? Why did God let this happen? Why didn’t God intervene?” These questions naturally arise when we experience death, pain, loss, betrayal, and failure.
However, many of us believe that asking these questions is a betrayal of God, an act of ingratitude, and a rejection of God’s goodness. And because we don’t think we have permission to engage these questions, we avoid them altogether or dismiss them with our intellect, where they remain, nevertheless in our souls, forming a barrier of resentment that separates us from God. We are now well on the way to developing prodigal sibling syndrome.
Often we aren’t aware that we have developed prodigal sibling syndrome because we haven’t allowed ourselves to even engage the questions or be honest about these deep matters of our soul. We may continue to worship and pray and serve, but find our hearts are less and less engaged and our passion fading. We may suffer for years with prodigal sibling syndrome, as we become more and more disconnected from relationship with God.
Pastors and ministry leaders may suffer from this ailment at a higher rate as their underlying pain or loss or disillusionment can come directly from wounds they receive in their ministry, but no one is immune.
What are some of the symptoms of prodigal sibling syndrome?
Feelings of resentment towards God, whether conscious or unconscious
Feeling distant from or disconnected from God
Not experiencing love or care from God
Doubting God’s goodness or power
Lack of trust in God
A sense of guardedness towards God.
Ongoing anger towards God.
Inability to recognize God at work
Inability to sense God’s leading
Just going through the motions spiritually
Loss of passion in faith
Lack of joy and thanksgiving
As a spiritual director, I regularly encounter people who suffer from this condition, sometimes in mild ways, other times in ways that significantly block their spiritual life. Often these are highly faithful people who have been church members, ministry leaders, or pastors for years. It is unfortunate that these people who have given their lives to Jesus and loved and served so faithfully find themselves disconnected from the One who loves them so much.
But fortunately, In Luke 15, the father takes the initiative and seeks out the older brother to engage him in his resentments. And similarly, God comes to those of us with prodigal sibling syndrome. God’s desire is for restoration and healing and often the first step is for us to be honest with God about how we feel, about what is going on. God knows that the first step is for us to be honest with God about what is going on because God desires truth in our inward being (PS 51:6).
God invites the older brother to name overtly what has been poisoning their relationship, “I work like a slave for you and you’ve never given me anything.” Of course, it isn’t actually true that the father has given him nothing because everything the father has is his and the father is always with him. But the older brother speaks the “truth” of how he feels, and that fact that he can name this “truth” to the father is the first step towards the restoration of relationship.
And so God invites those of us with prodigal sibling syndrome to tell him directly our hurt, our disappointment, our anger, our resentment. This often seems counter-intuitive and we may feel like it is wrong or sinful to do. But God is patient, kind, and longs for restoration for us, and so God welcomes our hard words as a step towards truth, relationship, and love. And God responds with words of compassion and love, “I am always with you and everything I have is yours.”
The person with prodigal sibling syndrome may then enter a season of wrestling with God, unclogging the relationship, and working this out with the Lord. But in this process, God is at work healing and restoring and God speaks words of love, of care, or presence. As the blockage is dismantled, the person is now able to see more and more who God really is and experience God’s love and grace in a personal way. It doesn’t take away the hard realities of life and the suffering, but they discover that truly God has always been there with them and begin experiencing the rich gift that God gives, that everything God has is theirs.
Often it is useful to meet with a spiritual director in this process as it can be difficult and it is helpful to have someone to talk this through with, someone who is not afraid of those disappointments, the anger, and resentments and can encourage this process. A spiritual director can also hold the truth of God’s goodness, grace, and love, even when the person is facing into these hard things.
Always remember, God’s love for the prodigal’s sibling is just as great as God’s love for the prodigal. And God is glad to run to the prodigal’s sibling with a restoring embrace. Everyone is invited to this celebration, to the fullness of the kingdom, to the fullness of God’s love.
© Dale Gish 2020. All Rights Reserved.