Reservoir: A Prayer of Grief and Hope

Reservoir

River of pain

Dammed up, contained, stored

What can I do about this reservoir?

Nothing 

And yet, that is where you meet me

You say, “I forgive you.”

And offer healing

I see you have already started

Irrigating desserts brings the water levels down

So much life you give with your love

You give redemption

And I know your embrace

With me always

So I will say yes

And receive the fullness

Of all you are giving to me

© Dale Gish 2020. All Rights Reserved.

Where were you, Jesus? A double-edged question for spiritual healing

Many Christians go through life unable to honestly dialogue with God about the disappointments and hurts they carry, overwhelmed by the pain and brokenness of the world and the traumas they have personally survived. We’ve been taught that we have no standing to question God, that everything happens for a purpose.  We may fear that asking the question will start us on a path of deconstruction where we might lose our faith, and besides, talking about these things with God requires a level of intimacy and trust that we may not have or feel ready for. 

As a spiritual director working with someone who has been through significant trauma, loss, or suffering, I want to help them get to a place where they can honestly address their hard questions directly to God in prayer, in their own authentic, unsanitized, messy way. Often a significant step forward is when they can articulate those hard questions to me in a spiritual direction session. Once they are able to articulate these things to me they are almost always able to respond positively to my invitation, “would you be willing to say to God directly what you just said to me?”

They may pray something like, “Where, were you, Jesus, when my mother died, when my parents neglected me, when my church hurt me when systemic injustice was so destructive? I know you are good. I know in my head that you love me. But that flies in the face of my experience. I went through hell and you were not there, you didn’t save me from this suffering, you didn’t intervene.” 

Being able to articulate “Where were you, Jesus?” in prayer, even in an accusatory way, is a huge step forward spiritually because it is a huge step forward in relationship and intimacy with God. If you are a parent and your teenager is mad at you and hiding in their room, refusing to come out, you wish they would just come and talk with you directly. That’s how God feels as well. God wishes the older prodigal son would just come talk to him about his resentments. God longs for us to be willing to address our grievances with him.

When someone brings these hard questions to God, notice that nothing about their trauma has changed and their question has not been answered, but something profound has happened. Saying “Where were you, Jesus?” clears space in their relationship with God, space for God’s work, space for healing, space to listen to God. People typically feel emotionally lighter, with a sense of release. The burden of holding back that question has been heavy, and they often feel immediate relief. I imagine Jesus smiling at them, so glad for this step forward in their relationship. 

Stating their accusatory question, “Where were you, Jesus?” allows them to begin a season of engaging the same question in a new and inquisitive way. “Where were you, Jesus? I didn’t experience you there with me, Jesus, but I want to be able to see how you were with me, how you were at work, there in my time of trial.” 

Jesus is always with us, at work loving us, caring for us. And Jesus has always been there with them, even in their time of trial. Often the directee has already named some of the ways he was with them as they told me their story, people God brought into their lives to support them, ways they were provided for, etc. Asking their accusatory question now gives them space and openness to see anew how God actually was with them. The question “Where were you, Jesus” takes on a whole new meaning. 

Some of the ways that God was with them in their time of struggle will become clear as they review their story asking this new inquisitive version of the question. But God is also alive and speaking to them and may reveal things that were not apparent in their history. Sometimes I invite directees to take some time in silent prayer and listen to see what God might say, and I’m continually amazed at what God does in those times. God may say nothing, but give them a sense of peace. God may tell them that he loves them. God might say that he is so sorry for what happened to them, that he didn’t want that to happen. God might give them an image of him with them during their time of trouble, holding them, weeping with them. Etc, etc.

In my experience, the accusatory question of “Why did you let this happen to me?” often is not directly answered and does not completely go away, but they experience a deep sense of God’s love and care for them, that God has been with them, and the accusatory question no longer is of primary importance. They know God’s love and care for them in a new way. Their relationship is unclogged, and they begin to experience more healing and freedom.

In my own experience, praying the Ignatian Exercises with a daily heart to heart with Jesus has been a context that God used for me to ask this double-edged question. I see now some of the ways God has been using it in my life. But it is an ongoing joy to see God doing this work in my directees, deepening their relationship with God and expanding their terrain of freedom.

© Dale Gish 2020. All Rights Reserved.

If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September, please contact me.

Book Review: When Narcissism Comes To Church

In an individualistic society with a lot of individual and corporate brokenness, it’s not surprising that most of us can recount painful stories about people who have used us and wounded us, showing little concern for the damage they have done. We find it in our families, at our jobs, in our politics, and yes, even in our churches. We may not understand the psychological diagnostic criteria, its causes, or its treatment, but we have experienced the destruction and havoc narcissism causes. 

Chuck DeGroat’s new book, When Narcissism Comes To Church: Healing Your Community From Spiritual and Emotional Abuse published by InterVarsity Press, is an important resource for individual Christians and churches who want to understand, protect themselves from, and recover from the wounds of narcissism. It’s accessible for church leaders and congregants, providing us with a wealth of insight and a helpful framework on how to respond, and is deeply grounded in a vision of God’s ongoing work of healing and restoration. 

Are you the kind of person who should not read this book? Here is a helpful guide: If you want to keep your head in the sand and not see the emotional and spiritual abuses happening in our churches, don’t buy this book. If you would rather not become more aware of your false self and your own narcissistic tendencies, cancel your order. If you have been trying to avoid acknowledging and healing from your wounds from narcissism, there are thousands of other books to choose from. If you enjoy throwing your hands in the air and saying narcissism is narcissism and there is nothing to be done about it, then delete this book from your Kindle.  

But for the rest of us, this challenging book is well worth reading. This book helps us in so many ways: to better understand narcissism, to recognize the damage it causes in our churches, to become more self-aware of our own narcissism, as a step towards our own healing, to envision what a road to redemption might look like for the narcissist. 

Chuck DeGroat

A Wise Counselor, Teacher and Spiritual Director

Chuck Degroat has a lot of wisdom to share on the subject. He is a licensed therapist, a professor of counseling and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Holland MI, and a spiritual director. For years, Chuck has been counseling both narcissists as well as those who have been victimized by them, and brings their stories to life, to help us understand the realities of narcissism and the consequences for families and churches.

A fascinating feature of this book is that DeGroat looks at narcissism through the lens of the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a tool for self-understanding and for examining the false self, which has nine basic types, and then many more subtypes as you get deeper into it. DeGroat takes these nine Enneagram types and looks at how narcissism gets played out for each of the nine types. Since most of us have some tendencies towards narcissism, it is fascinating to read through each type and to notice how your Enneagram type lives out Narcissism. The section on each Enneagram type also includes a story of a narcissist of that type. You will likely find yourself thinking of people you’ve met as you engage with these characters. 

Two chapters go deep into the characteristics of and the inner life of a narcissistic pastor. Again, DeGroat has illuminating stories of pastors and how that narcissism plays out in the role of a pastor. If you have ever experienced a narcissistic pastor these chapters will likely ring true and may be helpful for you in your healing process. Essentially DeGroat says to us, you aren’t crazy, that’s how it is like to interact with a narcissist, and here is what was going on in the narcissist that led to your experience.

Chapter 6 looks at narcissistic systems, churches that are either narcissistic themselves or have become narcissistic as a result of a narcissistic pastor. Simply removing a narcissistic pastor often doesn’t fix the problem as the dynamics in the church have to be reworked to become healthy again. You will likely find yourself reflecting on your own church experiences and dysfunctional systems in a new way. Again, I found DeGroat naming the dysfunction helpful to me as I reflect on my own church experiences.

There are two chapters that look at spiritual and emotional abuse in the church as well as steps that can be taken to heal personally and heal churches that have suffered under narcissistic leadership. DeGroat names the dynamics, abuses, and dysfunctions, but also has eyes of hope for the work of healing and restoration that God wants to bring to those who are suffering. The recovery and healing process is not easy, but DeGroat outlines the way forward towards new life. DeGroat has a pastoral heart and does an excellent job of naming the sin and brokenness but also the hope and healing work that God is at work doing. 

I found Chapter 9, Transformation for Narcissists (Is Possible) to be moving and deeply affecting. As a spiritual director, I get to sit with people and experience God’s heart for them, in all kinds of life situations. In this chapter, DeGroat models the ability to sit with narcissists holding the destructiveness of their behavior but also seeing them as beloved children of God, holding out hope for the slow, hard work of being transformed and growing into more of the fullness of who God has created them to be. 

This is such a gift to us as we reckon with narcissism, but also to us as we seek to be human, Christian, and embody God’s love in this broken world. Deep down we all want to be seen, known and cared for in this way. Thank you, Chuck, for this gift you have given us. I can already tell that I’m going to be reading this chapter many times. 

It’s been one week since I finished reading this wonderful book and this book continues to live with me. I find myself reflecting on my own false self more and what it would be like to bring more of it into the light. I’m already considering what pastors and churches I will recommend reading this book. This book will be an ongoing resource for me as I walk with pastors, church leaders and congregations as a spiritual director, and I think for many will receive this book as an enduring gift for the health and wholeness of the church.  

Poem: By Your Wounds

By Your Wounds

There you are, wounded in your person

Drawing me close to you

To join myself with you

You open my heart and I weep

To see you afflicted, mortal, suffering

I am stricken

Then I am on fire

All my wounds blazing

Burning, overwhelming my senses

I did not come here for this

I came for you, not my woundedness

Jesus, you can’t help it, can you

Always there for me

Seeking my good, even in your time of trial

“Come closer,” you say

Bring my wounds close to yours

uniting them together

Sorrow and love flow mingled down all around me

And you say this is the beginning of my restoration

Mending what’s broken

Redeeming the losses

Making things right

Such blessed suffering you give me

That by your wounds I am healed

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

This prayer was inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September, please contact me.