Book Review: When Narcissism Comes To Church
In an individualistic society with a lot of individual and corporate brokenness, it’s not surprising that most of us can recount painful stories about people who have used us and wounded us, showing little concern for the damage they have done. We find it in our families, at our jobs, in our politics, and yes, even in our churches. We may not understand the psychological diagnostic criteria, its causes, or its treatment, but we have experienced the destruction and havoc narcissism causes.
Chuck DeGroat’s new book, When Narcissism Comes To Church: Healing Your Community From Spiritual and Emotional Abuse published by InterVarsity Press, is an important resource for individual Christians and churches who want to understand, protect themselves from, and recover from the wounds of narcissism. It’s accessible for church leaders and congregants, providing us with a wealth of insight and a helpful framework on how to respond, and is deeply grounded in a vision of God’s ongoing work of healing and restoration.
Are you the kind of person who should not read this book? Here is a helpful guide: If you want to keep your head in the sand and not see the emotional and spiritual abuses happening in our churches, don’t buy this book. If you would rather not become more aware of your false self and your own narcissistic tendencies, cancel your order. If you have been trying to avoid acknowledging and healing from your wounds from narcissism, there are thousands of other books to choose from. If you enjoy throwing your hands in the air and saying narcissism is narcissism and there is nothing to be done about it, then delete this book from your Kindle.
But for the rest of us, this challenging book is well worth reading. This book helps us in so many ways: to better understand narcissism, to recognize the damage it causes in our churches, to become more self-aware of our own narcissism, as a step towards our own healing, to envision what a road to redemption might look like for the narcissist.
Chuck DeGroat
A Wise Counselor, Teacher and Spiritual Director
Chuck Degroat has a lot of wisdom to share on the subject. He is a licensed therapist, a professor of counseling and Christian spirituality at Western Theological Seminary in Holland MI, and a spiritual director. For years, Chuck has been counseling both narcissists as well as those who have been victimized by them, and brings their stories to life, to help us understand the realities of narcissism and the consequences for families and churches.
A fascinating feature of this book is that DeGroat looks at narcissism through the lens of the Enneagram. The Enneagram is a tool for self-understanding and for examining the false self, which has nine basic types, and then many more subtypes as you get deeper into it. DeGroat takes these nine Enneagram types and looks at how narcissism gets played out for each of the nine types. Since most of us have some tendencies towards narcissism, it is fascinating to read through each type and to notice how your Enneagram type lives out Narcissism. The section on each Enneagram type also includes a story of a narcissist of that type. You will likely find yourself thinking of people you’ve met as you engage with these characters.
Two chapters go deep into the characteristics of and the inner life of a narcissistic pastor. Again, DeGroat has illuminating stories of pastors and how that narcissism plays out in the role of a pastor. If you have ever experienced a narcissistic pastor these chapters will likely ring true and may be helpful for you in your healing process. Essentially DeGroat says to us, you aren’t crazy, that’s how it is like to interact with a narcissist, and here is what was going on in the narcissist that led to your experience.
Chapter 6 looks at narcissistic systems, churches that are either narcissistic themselves or have become narcissistic as a result of a narcissistic pastor. Simply removing a narcissistic pastor often doesn’t fix the problem as the dynamics in the church have to be reworked to become healthy again. You will likely find yourself reflecting on your own church experiences and dysfunctional systems in a new way. Again, I found DeGroat naming the dysfunction helpful to me as I reflect on my own church experiences.
There are two chapters that look at spiritual and emotional abuse in the church as well as steps that can be taken to heal personally and heal churches that have suffered under narcissistic leadership. DeGroat names the dynamics, abuses, and dysfunctions, but also has eyes of hope for the work of healing and restoration that God wants to bring to those who are suffering. The recovery and healing process is not easy, but DeGroat outlines the way forward towards new life. DeGroat has a pastoral heart and does an excellent job of naming the sin and brokenness but also the hope and healing work that God is at work doing.
I found Chapter 9, Transformation for Narcissists (Is Possible) to be moving and deeply affecting. As a spiritual director, I get to sit with people and experience God’s heart for them, in all kinds of life situations. In this chapter, DeGroat models the ability to sit with narcissists holding the destructiveness of their behavior but also seeing them as beloved children of God, holding out hope for the slow, hard work of being transformed and growing into more of the fullness of who God has created them to be.
This is such a gift to us as we reckon with narcissism, but also to us as we seek to be human, Christian, and embody God’s love in this broken world. Deep down we all want to be seen, known and cared for in this way. Thank you, Chuck, for this gift you have given us. I can already tell that I’m going to be reading this chapter many times.
It’s been one week since I finished reading this wonderful book and this book continues to live with me. I find myself reflecting on my own false self more and what it would be like to bring more of it into the light. I’m already considering what pastors and churches I will recommend reading this book. This book will be an ongoing resource for me as I walk with pastors, church leaders and congregations as a spiritual director, and I think for many will receive this book as an enduring gift for the health and wholeness of the church.