Do You Have Prodigal Sibling Syndrome?

In the story of the prodigal son in Luke 15, the older brother is as lost as the younger brother. He doesn’t leave home and squander his inheritance. Instead, he stays at home and builds up resentments against his father, ultimately squandering that relationship. His father says “I am always with you and everything I have is yours,” but the older son says, “I work like a slave for you and you’ve never given me anything.”

The older son has developed what I call prodigal sibling syndrome, an ailment that is more common than you might think. This condition is one where little by little we begin to be disappointed with God, angry with God, where often unacknowledged resentments build-up to the point that our relationship with God suffers.

It’s easy to be a newborn Christian when everything is fresh and you are overcome with the wonder of such an amazing God. But in the long run, life can be hard, loved ones die, relationships get broken, churches fail, the world is a mess, and life doesn’t work out the way we had hoped.  As we experience these painful things, consciously or more often unconsciously we ask these questions, “Where was God? Why did God let this happen? Why didn’t God intervene?” These questions naturally arise when we experience death, pain, loss, betrayal, and failure.

However, many of us believe that asking these questions is a betrayal of God, an act of ingratitude, and a rejection of God’s goodness. And because we don’t think we have permission to engage these questions, we avoid them altogether or dismiss them with our intellect, where they remain, nevertheless in our souls, forming a barrier of resentment that separates us from God. We are now well on the way to developing prodigal sibling syndrome.

Often we aren’t aware that we have developed prodigal sibling syndrome because we haven’t allowed ourselves to even engage the questions or be honest about these deep matters of our soul. We may continue to worship and pray and serve, but find our hearts are less and less engaged and our passion fading. We may suffer for years with prodigal sibling syndrome, as we become more and more disconnected from relationship with God. 

Pastors and ministry leaders may suffer from this ailment at a higher rate as their underlying pain or loss or disillusionment can come directly from wounds they receive in their ministry, but no one is immune. 

What are some of the symptoms of prodigal sibling syndrome? 

• Feelings of resentment towards God, whether conscious or unconscious

• Feeling distant from or disconnected from God

• Not experiencing love or care from God

• Doubting God’s goodness or power

• Lack of trust in God

• A sense of guardedness towards God.

• Ongoing anger towards God.

• Inability to recognize God at work

• Inability to sense God’s leading

• Just going through the motions spiritually

• Loss of passion in faith

• Lack of joy and thanksgiving

As a spiritual director, I regularly encounter people who suffer from this condition, sometimes in mild ways, other times in ways that significantly block their spiritual life. Often these are highly faithful people who have been church members, ministry leaders, or pastors for years. It is unfortunate that these people who have given their lives to Jesus and loved and served so faithfully find themselves disconnected from the One who loves them so much. 

But fortunately, In Luke 15, the father takes the initiative and seeks out the older brother to engage him in his resentments. And similarly, God comes to those of us with prodigal sibling syndrome. God’s desire is for restoration and healing and often the first step is for us to be honest with God about how we feel, about what is going on. God knows that the first step is for us to be honest with God about what is going on because God desires truth in our inward being (PS 51:6). 

God invites the older brother to name overtly what has been poisoning their relationship, “I work like a slave for you and you’ve never given me anything.” Of course, it isn’t actually true that the father has given him nothing because everything the father has is his and the father is always with him. But the older brother speaks the “truth” of how he feels, and that fact that he can name this “truth” to the father is the first step towards the restoration of relationship. 

And so God invites those of us with prodigal sibling syndrome to tell him directly our hurt, our disappointment, our anger, our resentment. This often seems counter-intuitive and we may feel like it is wrong or sinful to do. But God is patient, kind, and longs for restoration for us, and so God welcomes our hard words as a step towards truth, relationship, and love. And God responds with words of compassion and love, “I am always with you and everything I have is yours.”

The person with prodigal sibling syndrome may then enter a season of wrestling with God, unclogging the relationship, and working this out with the Lord. But in this process, God is at work healing and restoring and God speaks words of love, of care, or presence. As the blockage is dismantled, the person is now able to see more and more who God really is and experience God’s love and grace in a personal way. It doesn’t take away the hard realities of life and the suffering, but they discover that truly God has always been there with them and begin experiencing the rich gift that God gives, that everything God has is theirs. 

Often it is useful to meet with a spiritual director in this process as it can be difficult and it is helpful to have someone to talk this through with, someone who is not afraid of those disappointments, the anger, and resentments and can encourage this process. A spiritual director can also hold the truth of God’s goodness, grace, and love, even when the person is facing into these hard things.  

Always remember, God’s love for the prodigal’s sibling is just as great as God’s love for the prodigal. And God is glad to run to the prodigal’s sibling with a restoring embrace. Everyone is invited to this celebration, to the fullness of the kingdom, to the fullness of God’s love.

© Dale Gish 2020. All Rights Reserved.

With Great Delight, Holy Spirit

With Great Delight

Before I say come, you are already there

But you welcome my invitation

With great anticipation, you flow into me

Into your dwelling place, wonderfully made

The home you designed when you knit me together

When you formed me in my mother’s womb

With great delight, you race through my body

Muscle by muscle, cell by cell

Flutter through heart, sparkle eyes

Captivate  ears, filling to fullness

Dancing pinwheels of delight in my soul

Holy fire, igniting love

Blazing embers, dancing flames

Holding  hardened places close with gentle comfort

Flow living water, becoming desert streams

Hope springing up, fresh new shoots, rising in my soul

Holy Spirit you find such delight

rejoicing, celebrating, leaping for joy within me

Yes, Spirit

I will join you in this celebration

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

Faithful Aging: Responding to God's Call in Retirement Years

When Jesus was born there were people in Jerusalem who were longing for a savior, who lived faithful lives of service and expectation. Two of these people were Anna and Simeon (Luke 2:25-38). Anna was a widow who became familyless and lived her life praying and serving in the temple. Simeon was a faithful man who was filled with the Holy Spirit, who was told by God that he would not die before seeing the messiah. Both of them are there when Jesus is brought to be baptized and after years of faithful serving and waiting, they receive the joy of meeting Jesus. God received the gift of their humble, faithful lives and said in a way, “well done, good and faithful servants.” 

Simeon en Anna -Jan van 't Hoff

Our society provides us many examples of elders who are not like Anna and Simeon, who put their energy and longing elsewhere, who focus on themselves and live for comfort and pleasure. We need Anna and Simeon as role models, to show us a different possibility. For those of us who are middle-aged or younger, Anna and Simeon provide us wonderful examples of what it means to age well, to live out our lives yearning for and seeking the Lord. May we all become elders like Anna and Simeon. 

And so I ask, is it possible? What does this look like in our time and place? Who are the elders today who are like Anna and Simeon? Who do we know who live like this, giving their lives to the Lord, serving in humble devotion? Have a look at your church, open your eyes and you will likely see them. 

At my church, we have a wonderful couple, who embody Anna and Simeon in so many ways. Roy and Susie Wong. Roy and Susie are retirees who have not retired in the Lord. For years, Roy has volunteered as the bookkeeper for the church as well as several other ministries. For many years, Susie has been an elder, served on the session, has been in charge of setting up the paraments and communion elements at church, and has made the liturgical banners, always ensuring they are set up properly for the liturgical season. Additionally, Susie volunteers her time providing health care counseling for seniors and those in poverty. 

Roy and Susie

Filled with joy in the sanctuary

Together, they host small groups in their home, mentor those joining the church and constantly find ways to give and serve, behind the scenes, humbly and with little fanfare. When the church started a school, they were there, providing countless hours, doing things like accounting, providing snacks, tutoring, and leading learning labs. They do so many things that it seems like they “never leave the temple,” serving and praying night and day, just like Anna. 

I sense that the Lord delights in Roy and Susie, that the Lord receives their love, service, and devotion. He says to them, “well done, good and faithful servants.”

Roy at work

Preparing the snacks for Rise University Preparatory!

I’m grateful for Anna and Simeon, Roy and Susie. May their number increase! May we be inspired to offer our lives to the Lord in similar ways. May we who are younger become Anna and Simeon in our generation. May we long for the Lord’s salvation and experience that salvation breaking into our lives. May we hear from the Lord, “well done, good and faithful servants.”

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

Praying Hell, With Ignatian Aikido

In the theme of sin in the Ignatian Exercises, we take on the remarkable task of praying with hell. As an instrument of spiritual growth, we imagine ourselves in hell, try to experience it as fully as we are able to. Why in the world would we want to do that? We’re supposed to be trying to avoid hell, after all, aren’t we? 

Ignatian spirituality has the same movement as Aikido, the Japanese martial art, where instead of pushing back against the attacker, instead you welcome the attack and let it become an advantage for you. And so it is with Hell, we fear hell, and try to avoid it. But in the Exercises, we are invited to welcome it, receive it, experience it, in order to grow our love for God.  

Imagine what it would be like to let your sin consume you, overwhelm you, destroy every good thing in your life, every joy, every relationship, every consolation. Imagine being filled with bitterness, malice, hatred, frustration, despair, lust, fear, dread, etc. Imagine being so consumed that you were cut completely off from God, who loves you and created you in love, so cut off that you could never praise and only curse him forever.

Then ask yourself is that good? Do I like that? Or do I like being close to, united with God? Let the absence of God and his consolation stir in your heart a longing, a longing for union with the Lord. Let this experience of hell lead you to cry out to the Lord your Savior, “I need you, have mercy, save me from the sin that only brings death.”

And as we approach Jesus on the cross, we are invited to open our hearts in conversation. “Jesus, you are my life, my hope, and my love. May I never have that taken away from me. Let me love you forever, not curse you forever. May I continue to open myself to your love and receive it. Make me grateful and joyful in the good gifts you give me. I am poor and weak and needy. Save me, Jesus.”

And Jesus responds to us with words of grace, restoration, and hope.  He says, “I am at work, leading you deep into your sin and will use it for good. Hold my hand and walk with me. I will cross every chasm, I will bring you to me. I will release you from your bondage and make you new.

Jesus takes us deep into sin, even into hell, and uses that to deepen our love, to free us from bondage and allow us to find new life and hope in him.

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

This reflection was inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September, please contact me.

You Could Pray Like This All Night

Emptied by the crowds, you dismissed them

choosing the twisting path up the mountainside

To be alone at last

to turn your face towards home

The Father came running

As if you were a prodigal

But the Spirit was faster

Igniting your heart

And coursing through your veins

Such rejoicing, delight, re-union

Not that there was ever any distance

Just subtle moments of presence amid human existence

But now, face to face, spirit to Spirit

Love like fountains intermingling

You could pray like this all night

And you did.

Grace upon grace

Joy upon joy

Kingdom breaking in

Just a taste of the fullness to come

When the three of you redeem

and fill everything to overflowing

But now as day breaks

There are boat battered disciples to tend

And a world to embrace

-A poem written in prayer with Matt 14:22-33

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

This prayer was inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September, please contact me.

Praying With Pain: Thoughts From Spiritual Direction

Praying With Pain: Thoughts From Spiritual Direction

The human body is fragile, and when we are injured or sick, we struggle with pain.  Whether we may be experiencing acute pain or chronic pain it affects us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Let me be clear, pain is not good; it’s not a blessing. Pain is terrible. If you are suffering physical pain, as a disciple seeking to follow God, you can assume that the pain is not from God and God is not punishing you. It’s the evil one who wants you to believe that God is punishing you with this pain, and the evil one will look for any opportunity to use your pain to discourage you and separate you from God. 

But God is a redeemer and always seeks to bring good out of evil. God wants to use your pain for good. So how can God be at work in and through your pain? Here are some thoughts:

1. If you are in pain tell God about it. Pour out your heart to him; express your emotion. You may even find you are angry with God about this pain. It’s fine to be angry with God. God already knows and invites you to tell him. Tell him and then listen, have a dialogue with God.  See what happens. By your conversation, you will be connecting with God in the midst of pain. The evil one hates that. 

2. Pray for healing. Bring your need before God. Experience your need for God and cry out to him. God does not always heal, but you are encouraged to pray for healing and to see what healing he brings. If the Lord does heal you, receive it as a gift and give him praise.

3. This is a bit mystical, but you can ask Jesus to take your pain and merge it with the pain he felt on the cross, to let your pain become a sharing in his pain on the cross. Now your pain connects you even more deeply with Jesus.

4. You may find that in your pain you have been struggling to pray. You may have gone many days without having your regular prayer time. Maybe it’s been a whole week since your last prayers... wonderful!  Now we get to ask... Does God love you less? Of course not! You may be disappointed or ashamed of your lack of prayer, but God is not disappointed in you. You have an opportunity to know that God does not love you for your performance.  You have not been praying and still, God is loving you.

5. Having a life of prayer is hard. Life happens and the realities of our lives make prayer difficult.  The evil one would want you to give up. Instead, pick up your prayer again as you are able. In the midst of your pain, would you rather be close to him and experience his love or be distant and feel unloved?

6. Let God lead you. These are a few suggestions, but God at work in you knows what you need. God is very present to you and knows what you are suffering. Open yourself and let God meet you, let God speak the words you need to hear, to be present to you and to show you love. Let God reveal how he will use this experience of pain to lead you closer to him.

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September, please contact me.

Prayerful Thoughts from the Ignatian Exercises Part 2

I’ve continued reflecting on the themes and prayers of the Ignatian exercises. There are so many memorable thoughts, so I decided to share some. May God continue to use them.

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

These thoughts were inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September 2021, please contact me. You can also read more here, or see specifics for the coming year on my flyer.

Offering Our Failure to the Lord

In part one of this series I reflected on some of the ways we typically respond to failure and noted that the gospel is not that we never fail, but that God meets us in and through our failures. In part 2 of this series, I looked at failure as an opportunity for us to find our true identity in God and failure as an opportunity for God to free us from the shame that plagues us. In this final reflection, I will explore the invitation to abandon ourselves to the Lord as a response to failure.

When failure comes crashing down upon us, when our efforts seem to come to nothing, we are invited to abandon ourselves completely to the Lord. In times of failure, we experience our weakness and our need for God. We were not created to be heroic individuals. We were not created to be heroic communities. We were created to be humble people who give ourselves completely to God. 

Unfortunately, when we are experiencing failure, we typically don’t feel like giving ourselves to God. We believe that we should be giving ourselves to God in success. When we have failed we don’t believe that God would want us in our state of failure. Why would God want damaged goods like us? Who are we in failure that God would desire us? We would prefer to make a glorious offering of ourselves. And yet God loves us and welcomes us even in our failure. We are invited to give ourselves completely to God.

Many of us are aware that we don’t give ourselves completely to God, we may desire to, we may try to, but we know that there are significant parts of ourselves that are not given over to God. We don’t see that most of what we hold back from God are the parts of ourselves we are not proud of, the parts we try to suppress or eliminate from our lives. We don’t give our failure to God. We don’t give our fear, our doubt, our anger, our resentment to the Lord. 

What would happen if we gave these parts of ourselves completely to God? For one thing, we would be a lot more given over to God. Secondly, God would rejoice and delight to have these beloved parts of ourselves brought back and offered to him. We often underestimate how much God loves us, that God loves all of us, and that God particularly loves these parts of ourselves we have held back. 

Giving our failure to God also allows God to be at work in those areas we have so long withheld from him. God wants to redeem all parts of us, bring each part individually and together as a whole person, into the healing light of his love and grace. What freedom we receive when we offer ourselves more completely to him, allowing his love and grace to allow us to accept our own humanity, our true identity as beloved children of God. 

And so I leave you with this question… In what way is the Lord inviting you to offer your failure to him?

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

Poem: God of the Gorge

God of the Gorge

God of the gorge

Broken rock, wind stripped tree

Crashing water, twisting, descending

God of power

Elemental raging 

What is flesh to you?

A home, a dwelling

Joy and laughter

Mother, brother, wedding feast

God of the gorge

broken body, whipped, stripped

Descending to darkness

In the lifting up

Rise again, alive again

Come again

Make all joy complete

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

Prayerful Thoughts from the Ignatian Exercises Part 1

I’ve been reflecting recently on the themes and prayers of the Ignatian exercises. There are so many memorable thoughts, so I decided to share some.

© Dale Gish 2019. All Rights Reserved.

These thoughts were inspired by the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola. If you are interested in praying the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius with me starting in September, please contact me.